People, we don't even know where to start.

After last night's series-closing "Hills" episode, we feel a bit like those high school dweebs who thought that think the cute classmate is asking them out, but then they just get pansted in front the whole school. When executive producer Adam Divello promised "surprises," we thought he meant that maybe Lauren or Heidi would make an appearance. (Lauren did, but only at the after-show.)

Tonight, MTV will air a finale double-feature, as "The Hills" and "The City" wrap up their story lines. In the case of "The Hills," tonight's episode marks the end of the series, after more than 100 episodes, incalculable tears and some very public breakdowns. Executive producer Adam Divello was in the middle of editing his last "Hills" episode when he took our call late last week. He wouldn't give out any details, but said the producers "shot a lot of surprises."

Last night's dose of celebreality left us embittered, listless and craving a cigarette. Why bother having friends if they just let us down? What do you do when you lay bare your feelings, only to have people say it's not enough? What if we really, really deserve a $4,000-a-month apartment but can't afford it? It's enough to make a girl never want to leave home (well, that and a New York heat wave.) Just one episode shy of the finales, we watched Kristin and Whitney each go through a messy breakup.

And now, on to the patented Speakeasy Weekly Celebreality Ennui Challenge!

On this week's 'The Hills' there were wondrous waterfalls and playful monkeys. (And crabs in the girls' bedrooms that set themselves up for easy jokes.) On 'The City,' there was sumptuous dresses with feathers and electric blue tuxedo pants that Martha Stewart pretended to like, in the way that your grandmother says "That's nice" to everything from silly bandz to Drake. But even while surrounded by high fashion, or literally in paradise, everyone was unhappy.

This week, Speakeasy presents a psychodramatic recap showdown.

On last night's "The City," viewers got a peek at a trash-inspired photo shoot that tiptoed into Zoolander-territory. This isn't the place to get into a long argument about the merits and history of avant-garde fashion. But Elle's photo shoot with Ke$ha justifies some suspicions normal people harbor about fashion insiders: yes, there are arbitrary rules that apply only to a few (leotards and fishnets for day!) and, yes, editors speak in a coded language ("a viper who's really into trash") that mystifies as much as it keeps outsiders out.

Now on to our patented Speakeasy Dueling Recap Showdown...

After having loved and lost, we're back again on the Top Chef scene. Cheftestant single and looking, we've had some time to recover from last season's heartbreak, when our sweethearts didn't win.

Now we're optimistically checking out a new city, and eyeing a new crop of hopefuls jousting for our heart but knowing us, we'll likely fall into the same patterns. We'll look again for someone with Jennifer Carroll's no-nonsense charm and Kevin's down home Southern sweetness. If last season's winner Michael Voltaggio was often compared to Picasso, will someone emerge as this season's Warhol?

Things got a little meta for us on this week's "The City."

There we were, just watching our daily dose of celebreality when we saw ourselves blip across the screen for a nanosecond. Our TV world and our real world collided and fractured, making us dizzy with the weight of cultural relevance. It was like our own little "Videodrome" moment, but with Zac Posen playing the Debbie Harry role.

It's the Top Chef Masters final four! If we knew anything about sports, we'd make a Sweet Sixteen bracket joke but there's a reason we're the foodie blogger.

Our four chefs Marcus, Jonathan, Susur and Rick walk in to find their cookbooks lined up next to Kelly. (Did you guys get a peek at Susur's book cover? His long hair is caught blowing in the wind, like a still shot from Highlander. Man, the more we know, the more we love this guy.)

There were a lot of pearls of advice in last night's "The Hills" and "The City" episodes. It was almost like they were trying to teach us something. Imagine! How very charming. That said, the next time we accidentally-maybe-on-purpose "run into" our hot shirtless ex-boyfriend while our sad sack squeeze is out of town, we'll know exactly what to do.

This week's "Top Chef Masters" dealt with gods and deities. There were more than a few sacrifices, including an injury to Marcus' back, which forced him to move a little slower during the second day of the elimination challenge.

This week's Quick Fire seemed pretty hard, until I realized some wily chefs found a loophole. In a taste test challenge, chefs were presented with sauces and asked to tick off ingredients that they tasted. Susur, a self-proclaimed sauce tasting master, starts out confidently. After the other chefs are eliminated spelling bee-style, it's down to Rick and Susur. They're given a lobster sauce, which they both recognize.

After last week's dark episode, 'The Hills' returned to vintage form, focusing on what it's good at: a faux-anthropological look at the dating mores of rich twentysomethings. And so we're back comparing 'The Hills' and 'The City' in our patented Dueling Recap Showdown. Who will take the Speakeasy Crown of Pop Cultural Legitimacy this week?

Normally, we'd recap 'The Hills' and 'The City' in the same post. But we decided to forgo recapping "The City" this week because recent questions about whether some of 'The Hills' stars are mentally ill requires a more serious discussion than the side by side treatment.

The most recent 'Hills' episode took a turn from vapid fluff into darker psychodrama territory, or as Lo puts it, "I don't know where they took a left turn into legitimate Crazytown."

'Top Chef Masters' debuted a goofy Quickfire challenge last night, when each chef was charged with preparing a dish inspired by a "Simpsons" character. Show creator Matt Groening, writer Matt Selman and voice star Hank Azaria judged, with Azaria riffing in several of the character's voices. Susur Lee, who had to get tips on who this Marge Simpson was all about from a fellow chef, turned out pork chops with purple mashed potatoes in the semblance of the character. All the dishes, including an Indian lunch for Apu and a dessert dish for Moe, were happily chowed down. Rick Moonen, who snuck in shrimp instead of beef for a Homer-inspired "sloppy joe" with truffle chips took the day's win.

This week, there was a lot of anger floating around 'The City' and 'The Hills.' In each show, one person was the locus of the anger. Pretty much everyone on the 'The City' was angry at Olivia, after she stood up Whitney at what was supposed to be an interview for Elle.com. In Los Angeles, the kids were more or less their merry shopping, dating and drinking selves, except for Spencer, who despite lots of heavy breaths and pleas to himself to stay calm, spewed anger like an Icelandic volcano. His antics reminded us of the "Serenity Now!" episode from Seinfeld.

The second installment of our newest East Coast/ The City vs West Coast/ The Hills dueling recaps offers insights in undermining and tantrum-throwing. Which city comes out on top this week?

Not since the days of Tupac vs. Biggie have we had the opportunity to stoke East Coast vs. West Coast rivalries like a neo-Suge Knight. In the interest of polarity and our own amusement, we've decide to herald the return of MTV's quasi-reality shows "The Hills" and "The City," which both premiered last night, as chance to stir up an ongoing bi-coastal smackdown.

As for your judge and arbiter, I'm a former Southern California girl now residing in Brooklyn. Known biases/disclosures: I've run into or chatted with nearly all of The City's stars. We will strive to be fair.

The comely Rebecca Mader, who plays "Lost's" erstwhile Dr. Charlotte Lewis, turned heads in a sequin turquoise cocktail dress at Thursday evening's National Magazine Awards, where she was a presenter.

Do fans get to see Charlotte one more time before the show ends? "Yes!," she said, then showed off a tan arm as evidence that she was on the Hawaiian set as recently as two weeks ago.

How will she celebrate the final episode, which airs May 23?

"I was thinking of having a party at my house, like a screening party and have all my friends over," said the British actress. "On paper that sounds like a really good idea, but I'm a really big geek. If someone talks, I will punch them in the head."

We took our "Top Chef Masters" complaints straight to the top last night, corralling Bravo's senior vice president of original programming and development, Andy Cohen, on the red carpet for the National Magazine Awards at Lincoln Center.

Look, we said, we love seeing star chefs face off against each other in the tried-and-true "Top Chef" format, but there's been an inconsistent lack of drama that a typical episode featuring Robin and Eli bickering might provide. We asked Cohen whether he could, you know, jazz up the show a bit.

Long ago, we went on a date with a strikingly gorgeous creature, only to blurt out that we'd really just to prefer to look at them, not hear them speak. (There wasn't a second date.)

That's a bit how we would describe our feelings for Ludo Lefebvre, who, along with five other Top Chef Masters Season One-ers returned last night. On the one hand, he's tall, dark, and dreamy. On the other, where's the mute button? Oh, wait, they added subtitles. We can't win. (To be fair, most of the time, Ludo appears to be joking but then there are the moments when he's rather insufferable. We are, however, very open-minded and quite willing to test any theories that Chef Lefebvre is tres charmant in person.)

Missed last night's Zac Posen party? Footage of it may show up on MTV soon.

MTV's The City's cameras were in full force at Zac Posen's Target 24-hour party at the New Yorker, where they followed Elle's Joe Zee and Olivia Palermo. At one point, Palermo and Posen sprinted off suddenly, followed by the amusing sight of full grown men carrying heavy gear scattering after them. Palermo, wielding an Elle.com microphone, interviewed the designer -- a scene also filmed for the show. The whole "TV show taping fashionable media girls as they create content" could tempt some to reach for a Marshall McLuhan reference.

Top Chef Masters' second episode was a lot more watchable than the premiere, with a come-from-behind, against-the-odds surprise win. Chef Carmen Gonzalez lost her food (and precious preparation time) when, upon arriving at the elimination challenge, she realized she had to drive back in Los Angeles traffic to the Top Chef kitchen to pick up the stew she'd left behind.

But we get ahead of ourselves. In this week's lineup, three New York-based chefs (Gonzalez, Aquavit's Marcus Samuelsson and David Burke) faced off against Houston's Monica Pope and Seattle's jolly Thierry Rautureau.

We struggled to stay awake during the last fifteen minutes of last night's "Top Chef Masters" premiere. Sure, it was nearly midnight and we're creaky old people, but it's worth mentioning because it points to a longstanding complaint about the series.

The show, which features established chefs competing against each other in its tried-and-true "Top Chef" format, sounds like a great idea on paper but in action... it's a bit of snooze. Last night's chefs included Tony Mantuano (chef of Spiaggia, also known as Obama's favorite Chicago restaurant), Govind Armstrong (of L.A.'s 8oz Burger Bar) and Oleana's Ana Sortun. Because we are New York snobs and we immediately favor anyone whose restaurant we have visited, we threw our karma behind The Red Cat's Jimmy Bradley (we live for his zucchini appetizer). Poppy's Jerry Traunfeld and Street's Susan Feniger round out the first cast of six.

The 82nd Academy Awards has enough dramatic storylines to make a great movie. The number of best picture candidates has been super-sized, from five to ten, and the number of hosts has been doubled. Leading up to the event Cablevision squared off with Disney over whether the broadcast would be aired in the New York City area. And on the show, ex-spouses James Cameron ("Avatar") and Kathryn Bigelow ("The Hurt Locker") will face off over some of the top prizes, including best picture and best director. "Precious," "The Blind Side" and "Inglourious Basterds," are also in the mix.

Speakeasy will be live-blogging the Oscars from the arrivals at 7 p.m. ET all the way to the awarding of the last golden statuette, with reports from inside and outside the ceremony.

Forget about waiting for the latest episode of "Saturday Night Live" to show up on the internet. For devoted fans of "The Hangover" star Zach Galifianakis, nothing short of seeing the burly and bearded comedian host the sketch comedy show in person would do.

On Friday evening, as Midtown offices emptied out for the weekend, around 30 young fans lay strewn across 49th Street, bundled up in layers, clutching iPhones, blankets and sleeping bags.

Bravo's 'Real Housewives of New York' returns to the air tonight, and if the trailer is to be believed, the drama starts out at 10 p.m. ET and screeches its way to 11.

Rumors circulated that the New York ladies were asking to do press alone due to internal tension, a charge Luann de Lesseps denies. She does acknowledge that "alliances have changed" this season, an understated referral to the now nuclear fight between former besties Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel. (Which, frankly, makes us sad as fans. Past Bethenny-Jill segments were endearing and kooky.)

H&M's Jimmy Choo VIP preview sale on Friday night was a mad scene. Lines at the 5th Avenue flagship snaked around the block to get in (even if you were on the list) and once inside, there was a mini-line to get into the shoe section. In the thick of it all, shoes tumbled out of boxes, tissue paper was tossed and sequins were hoarded. The H&M staff did what they could to restock the sapphire blue boxes ("More size eights are coming up!") and keep the peace among a very determined crowd. Ladies, and a smattering of patient men, were decorous and polite but everyone had an agenda: getting their mitts on some shoes, by any means necessary. Speakeasy scored by strategically prowling for discarded size sevens in the middle of the room.

On its surface, last night's "Top Chef" was the inevitable "Robin Finally Goes Home" episode that we've all been waiting for. But when it finally came, and even Robin saw it coming a mile away, it felt more like climbing atop a wheezing train rather than boarding an express to the final four. Why? Our girl Jen Carroll, who by all means needs to take her Final Four place alongside Kevin and the Voltaggios, seems to have given up on herself. It's apparent to Speakeasy, Andy Cohen and Tom Colicchio, who in a Tim Gunn-ish moment last night, suggested that she'd hit a wall. (Cue Jen telling Kevin, "I'm ready to go.")

At the Swarovski-hosted fete in honor "Gossip Girl" costume designer Eric Daman at Gramercy Park Hotel's rooftop lounge, even the drinks were sparkly. Pink raspberry champagne cocktails were served on trays covered in loose colored stones, while music was piped in.

"Gossip Girl" star Leighton Meester's vocals sang out twice, in Cobra Starship's "Good Girls Go Bad" and her solo song, "Somebody to Love." A clip of the "Somebody to Love" video aired during last week's episode, showing an aggressively sexy Meester wearing Proenza Schouler's show-closing Spring 2009 jumpsuit in the back of a limo. Were the uber-sexy clothes a way to metaphorically shed her good-girl onscreen persona? "It's just a wonderful expression of who I am," Meester said. "It's very over-the-top sexy, over-the-top fashion -- with music you can do that."

The Top Chef Masters finale wrapped up in a sweet bow last night, in keeping with a season of overall chivalry and camaraderie. (TCM's inherent good nature was never more sharply in relief than by playing after the new Top Chef Las Vegas, with its naked ambition and rock n' roll swagger.)

For the final challenge, the final three chefs (Hubert Keller, Michael Chiarello and Rick Bayless) faced what I've termed the "Ratatouille" challenge, after the moment in the Pixar movie in which the cold critic is catapulted back to his youth with one forkful of food. That epiphany is the golden moment sought by many chefs, as they seek to create not so much dishes, as savory food experiences.

Well! Bravo trailers, all is forgiven. You promised a fight, and delivered. But first:

The final four chefs (Anita Lo, Hubert Keller, Michael Chiarello and Rick Bayless) meet their final QuickFire challenge. They have to identify 20 ingredients while blind-folded. It's harder than it looks, considering that Mexican food savant Bayless didn't recognize mangoes while Anita Lo couldn't remember hoisin sauce. Chiarello wins the challenge, gets himself five stars.

At the start of last night's "Top Chef Masters," at least one chef was starting to show the signs of the competition's wear and tear. There are only five chefs left: Anita Lo, Art "Food is Love" Smith, Hubert Keller, Michael Chiarello and Ricky Bayless.

The first episode of "Jon & Kate" since the announcement of their impending divorce had a bittersweet quality. The two principles seemed happier alone. And some moments that Kate spent with her children were genuine and touching.

The two episodes were divided between two locations, the Gosselin home and a beach rental in North Carolina. At the start of "Renovations and Vacations," the producers flag the episode as taking place this past January, just as the tabloid storm was gathering. It was before the man-about-town photos, before Hailey Glassman, before Kate Major, before Michael Lohan.

The first part of Top Chef Masters' finale kicked off last night as the six semi-finalists met for the first time. They were Anita Lo, Art Smith, Hubert Keller, Suzanne Tracht, Michael Chiarello and Rick Bayless.

Just as the chefs were settling in, Top Chef host Tom Colicchio made a semi-grand entrance to kick off the Quickfire Challenge: two teams of three had to race against the clock to butcher four chickens, shuck 15 oysters, dice five onions and beat five eggs whites so they held upside down for five seconds. The race was tight until the final round when Rick Bayless, who said he had taught pastry classes, pulled ahead of Art Smith with a masterful whipped egg whites. Smith quipped that Bayless had all but morphed into a kitchen appliance.

Bravo's Top Chef Master's trailers need to be a little more honest. Last week's trailer, which quoted Chef Art Smith's "I'm going to own this show" and "I can teach you a few things," suggested a new level of cattiness, when in fact, Chef Smith turned out to be a twinkly-eyed Santa-type, or as competitor Jonathan Waxman called him, "a big honey bear." (When the quotes aired, it was clear that Chef Smith was playfully joking.)

The last TCM episode before the final showdown was as far from a cat-fight as a show could be. Even the critics, at the episode's end, remarked how awed they were by the mutual support and admiration displayed.